I'm Not Even Gay
by GayForBam
Summary: Dean struggles to come to terms with his feels for Cas. Spoilers from season 7 & Cast/Character references from Season 8 This is a destiel fanfiction involving a male/male pairing Chapter 1 has been edited on Friday the 5th of July, if read beforehand I apologise for any mistakes, chapter has also being updated to be more true to the tv story line. enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

" Castiel if you're listening i need you right now" Dean said quietly perhaps even whispered in his husky voice, he did so quietly, that Sam would not be able to hear him from the next room of the grubby motel, he needed this to be private.

"Hello Dean" a deep voice answered.

Dean spun round startled "You have got to STOP doing that"

Cas looked confused and emotion he regularly portrayed "you needed me Dean?"

"shush shush be quiet i don't want Sammy to hear us" Dean whispered

"I don't understand Dean?" Cas said with that puzzled look on his face

"nevermind just be quiet" Dean said abruptly as he heard movement in the next room,

moments later Sam walked in "Remember we were researching the disappearances of those two girls? yeah well heres the thing it turns out…" Sam stopped speaking as soon as he saw Cas, "oh, Cas um i didn't know you were here"

"Hello Sam"

"um yeah hi, um Dean can i speak to you for a minute"

Cas looked at Dean then back at Sam a look of confusion on his face, then with the sound of wings he was gone

"ugh look what you've done, he's probably pissed" Dean huffed

"but um Dean i thought we weren't speaking to Cas since the whole becoming God, dying then coming back to life and going insane thing"

"yeah, well, things change"

"um okay well, i think this is a really bad idea he was our friend he seriously betrayed us, i understand he's still one of us but man, he was off his rocker who knows what kind of state he's in! uh..but whatever man anyway I'm gonna go speak to some potential witnesses and i'll just leave you alone"

Sam lugged a large rucksack over his shoulder and exited just as he opened the door he looked back once again at his troubled brother leaning his head against the door frame he gave a sympathetic smile and left, Dean just sat there on the grotty bed looking at the floor troubled thoughts circling his head, 'maybe Sam is right maybe it is a bad idea making contact with Cas' he thought, but after Bobby's death he hasn't had anyone other than Sam to vent to besides he couldn't help the feelings he has for Cas even if he wanted to, in Cas' terms 'they share a more profound bond', but Dean knew it was more than that, well at least for him.

Grabbing himself a beer Dean sat down a flicked on the television set, flicking through the channels he came across a porn channel his eyebrows raised and his natural pout became more prominent setting his beer aside he began to unbuckle his belt, when Castiel reappeared

"is that the pizza man?"

"Jesus Christ!" Dean shouted quickly covering his crotch with a near by pillow and turning the tv off

"No, its Castiel" responded that puzzled look once again on his face and a slight tilt of the head,

"I know Cas I mean.. uh ..nevermind" Dean said while shaking his head and becoming reacquainted with his beer, Dean leaned back on the bed let out a sigh of satisfaction from the ice cold beverage

"Cas we need to talk"

Cas tilted his head even more, he desperately wanted to inform Dean they were already talking but was interrupted in thought by Deans following sentence

"We need to talk about us, Cas?"

"I'm not sure i understand Dean"

Dean sighed and got up from the bed, his belt still undone, but he didn't care because what he was about to say was more important, "Cas do you ever have feelings you know you're not supposed to because they are, wrong, well not wrong but not right?"

"I dont understand Dean"

Dean let out another sigh, he couldn't explain it especially not to Cas and he certainly couldn't speak to Sam about it

he knew no one would understand hell he couldn't even understand it himself, 'I'm not even gay' he thought 'why do i feel these things' he looked deep into Castiel's eyes hoping to find and explanation but instead found himself feeling more lost than ever in his deep blue windows to the soul, after a few moments of silence, which seemed like hours to Dean, Castiel spoke, "i feel things Dean… things i don't understand, i don't understand many human emotions but this one is different.. its powerful ..and…. i feel strange around you"

Dean was stunned by what Cas was saying, 'is it possible he feels the same, no it couldn't be' Dean thought, Dean being a pessimist wanted to drown every good thought of Cas returning his feelings towards him but maybe it was true maybe Cas felt the same way.


	2. Chapter 2

At that moment the tiny cramped motel room door swung open Sam emerged through the narrow door frame, without saying a word or even glancing at the two clearly confused men he headed straight for the fridge.

After retrieving himself a beer, an item which the Winchester brothers hands were very familiar with, he slumped down on the awkwardly lumpy couch placed in the corner of the room. Dean stared at Sam in disbelief of the lack of acknowledgement

towards him or Castiel, "Um Sam, ..whats the deal with these missing girls then?"

At this moment Castiel became very aware of the tension between the brothers and left.

Sam looked up at Dean "Well as it turns out witnesses didn't see much just some guy with the girls a few days earlier, nothing really to work on at the moment…. um Dean? what is going on with you and Cas?"

Dean's brow lowered "That doesn't matter, what matters right now is finding out what happened to those girls"

Clear skies, surrounded by trees he stood there looking at the ground this was where he had slaughtered hundreds of angels, although the ground was clear he could see the wing markings on the grass, his imagination maybe, even so they were very much real to him. So many human emotions flooding his vessel, his eyes dampen, he raises a hand to his cheek confused by the leaking, "I'm sorry" Castiel uttered "I feel regret." This was the first time Castiel had returned to heaven after all he had done, his feelings overwhelmed him, "my intentions were good, I never meant for this to happen" Cas murmured his eyes darting around in a panic "I never meant for this to happen" he repeated to himself .

"We have a lead" Sam confirmed while putting the phone down and grabbing his bags, "bodies of two girls have turned up half eaten apparently an animal attack, i think they might be our two missing girls"

"well we better get goin' " Dean responded before downing the rest of his whiskey.

The engine of the impala rattled as Dean pumped the gas peddle, his eyes dead set on the road ahead of him but his mind clearly elsewhere, "Are we gonna talk about this or not?" Sam asked a look of concern for his brother spread across his face, Dean licked his lips briefly, "Sam, I'm fine"

Sam sighed and looked out his window, he knew Dean was clearly not fine but he also knew when not to push him, now was not the time.

"Castiel?" a soft voice spoke in surprise, Cas looked up death and destruction in his eyes, there he saw Samandriel standing there in his striped wiener hut uniform a look of shock and relief on his youthful face.

A massive weight of guilt swept over Cas almost bring him to his knees he knew it was judgement time, time to be punished for what he had done, but instead of anger, Samandriel just stood there in shock.

"I am aware of the mistakes I have made and am ready for the consequences" Cas said firmly

"I am amazed you are still alive I.. we, meaning everyone of us left thought you were gone, we knew your intentions were good Castiel, your heart is in the right place you did what you thought was right, what was needed, in doing so you stopped the war in heaven for that i am grateful, yes you caused a lot of destruction on earth but thats over now, you are still our brother still an angel of the lord just a fallen one" Samandriel replied a look of sympathy flickered in his eyes.

"Thankyou" Cas said "Now i must take my leave" and with that he was gone.

The Winchester brothers made their way through the crime scene tape bordering of a small section of the interstate, it seemed like such a strange place for a wild animal attack, they knew it was clearly one of their cases, the bodies of the two girls were ripped apart bits of them scattered across the road, "I'll go speak to the coroner, you look around for anything important to finding out what we're dealing with here" Sam said while adjusting his FBI standard suit, Dean still with a lot on his mind walked over to the bodies, there appeared to be a black tar-like substance on the ground next to one of the victims and the same substance on a set of keys in the other victims hand, clearly from fighting back to her attacker, the tar substance was one Dean had recently become very familiar with "Oh crap" he muttered under his voice.

"Leviathan? how is that possible, I saw you and Cas kill Dick?" Sam said striding back to the impala, "I don't know maybe one slipped through the cracks when i sent them back to purgatory" Dean responded slamming the car door as he got in, the rest of the drive back to the motel was quiet other than the sounds of the classic rock music blasting from the stereo, but between the brothers there was silence. Sam looked over at Dean the look of concern returning, from the glare and the way Dean immediately turned the volume dial of the stereo up Sam could tell he still wasn't ready to admit something was wrong, the rest of the drive would be consistent of silence and avoiding eye contact between the brothers.


	3. Chapter 3

The silence in the impala was mind-numbingly dull, Sam's head was still fairly focused on the case, were Dean's mind was clearly elsewhere, the impala rattled up to the motel, as it slowly came to a holt Castiel appeared "Dean." he spoke placing a firm hand onto Deans shoulder and before he could respond, he was transported to a road side.

"WHAT THE HELL CAS?!"

"Dean I need to speak to you" Cas spoke calmly "I feel regret Dean"

Dean stood there in the middle of nowhere, shaking his head

"Awesome" Dean said avoiding eye contacted with Cas

"Have you forgiven me Dean?" Castiel mumbled

Dean looked up at him his nostrils flared ever so slightly, "No Cas, No I haven't forgiven you, after what you did I'm having a hard time being around you, I cant help how I feel Cas.. You.. You BETRAYED my trust"

Cas stood there silently, his big blue eyes started to glisten light reflecting off them so delicately he couldn't look Dean in the eye, this was harder than he first imagined.

"LOOK AT ME!.. look at me Cas" Dean Shouted "After everything you did you think you can just tell me some crap and that it'll all go away? Cas? You're…. WERE my best friend, I care for you man" Tears started to form in Deans eyes, something which Castiel had never properly witnessed before, Dean usually bottles up his emotions, Cas was shocked by this.

"I thought you were dead Cas, and it broke my heart, if I even have one anymore" Dean looked to the ground once more placing his finger and his thumb against each side of his nose and rubbed his eyes he sighed. As much as Cas wanted to correct Dean on his comment about not having a heart and how he would not be currently living and breathing nevermind would he be in conversation with Cas, he bite his tongue and waited for Deans next response to the silence.

Sam sat there in the impala a puzzled look on his face, he thought he would of expected this considering it was in no way the first time Cas had 'wanted to talk in private with Dean', Sam knew how complicated their friendship was and how, himself and Castiel didn't share just deep feelings of trust and friendship between them.

As Castiel had predicted Dean spoke shortly after "Look, Cas I'm sorry I.. I just don't know how to fix this Cas" Castiel tilted his head to the side, "I don't understand Dean"

That was it the final straw Dean had, had it with Cas not understanding there was only one other way to try explain his complex feelings, Dean lunged at Cas angrily as if he was about to punch him but no, his face cracked into a sympathetic smile even he couldn't understand he stood there for a moment then grabbed Castiel and held him close, Cas looked awkward like a rag doll bending backwards from being squeezed to hard his arms beside him as if he was lifeless, he didn't full understand what was occurring as he had become to understand a hug was a positive action, so in what seemed a hostile environment did confuse Cas a lot.

Dean pulled back "Well that was weird" Dean mumbled "Mm warm" Cas said firmly.

Later that day back at the motel Dean was sat on the couch an ice cold one in his hand, Sam was sat to the right of him doing research, Cas to the left watching tv occasionally voicing his confusion to the actions displayed in the program.

Dean sat there quiet looking, staring at Castiel, he had a look of love in his eyes, he couldn't understand how he could love this angel so much, Dean was heterosexual no doubt about it, and Cas, is just Cas, 'Perhaps because he's an angel it doesn't mean i'm gay?' Dean thought trying to understand why Castiel is the only man he's ever had these feelings for.


End file.
